A fascinating, but frustrating, phenomenon that therapists witness much more than we would like is that of the self-sabotage syndrome. You’ve probably observed it in someone you love - or maybe even yourself - even though you may not have realized it at the time. It’s very common in people who have been in recovery awhile, which usually leads to criticism and self-blame, which in turn fuels the downward spiral of shame, self-loathing & attempts to numb those feelings by using drugs or alcohol. Even in people who don’t abuse drugs or alcohol, this syndrome sometimes occurs when things have been going really well in an area that has historically been fraught with disappointment or failure.…
Continue ReadingSo we get to the blessed, anticipated stage of having raised & launched our children, looking forward to doing some things we’ve always looked forward to - or maybe just doing nothing except whatever the mood inspires - and then what to our wondering eyes behold, but an adult child on the doorstep to move back in. Or maybe it’s just the crises calls - the car broke down or the rent/mortgage is due & or they need a babysitter for an extended period - or any of the normal problems that besiege all of us at times; only it seems resources are seldom available to take care of them, so it then somehow becomes our job to fix the problem. The ever-eternal hope that this bunch of groceries, this payment of bail …
Continue ReadingIt’s a sad fact that Oklahoma’s divorce rate continues to be one of the highest in the nation. Sadder still - even tragic - is the number of kids caught in the crossfire of parents’ animosity & bitterness toward each other. Parents who demean, degrade or curse their ex-spouse in front of their children, only compound the distress already being experienced by their kids. A divorce is painful for children of any age, even young adults, and especially for preteens and adolescents. Even in amicable divorce situations, children often have divided loyalties and feelings of guilt, fear, betrayal or embarrassment, which are difficult for them to process and express. Of course, the parents are often also experiencing similar feelings, along with hurt and …
Continue ReadingWe’ve all heard what they say about the word “assume.” Nowhere is that more accurate than when making negative assumptions about other people’s intentions toward us. It’s one of the most damaging habits we fall into in relationships - both with others and with ourselves. In our office we often talk to couples and families about the impact of negative assumptions on communication and the propensity for escalation of conflict. Many of us tend to assume the worst about other people’s intentions toward us, without verbalizing or questioning the assumptions, but responding as if the other person did, in fact, have truly malicious intent. Once these negative assignments take up residence in our minds …
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